Friday, June 22, 2007

When I walk through the valley...

I have to admit that today I am crying. Tears of frustration. Tears of worry. Maybe even a little despair.

We have had another long slow week that has brought no answers. Mitch still doesn't have a "for sure" job for the next school year. Our house is still NOT on the market (much less sold). We still don't know answers about when we will move, where we will move, and a hundred small details I wish I could answer. This week we have had to face questions like what will we do if our house doesn't sell by August?

We put in more hours on the basement, though not as fervently as we had in previous weeks. It's looking really good. We're almost done! All the doorways have trim on them now. The closet that had all the wires hanging down in it is nearly finished (we will cut the doors tonight and I will stain them next), I just finished putting poly on the shelves for it yesterday. Mitch is going to work on a vanity for the bathroom tomorrow. Hopefully that will go quickly. Those are the only "big" projects left. Everything else is minor--such as small pieces of trim and outlet covers here and there.

The phone was uncannily quiet this week, unlike the rep from the school district predicted last Friday. Of course I was disappointed. Mitch went back to work at the driving school yesterday, and wouldn't you know it as soon as he was gone he did receive a call from a school. I took a message and he returned the call as soon as he got back. Unfortunately, he got the wrong person, and that person refused to understand that he was returning a phone call. She explained all the proper steps of applying for a job to him, then politely took his information and said, "Ok, we'll call you." Um...yeah...you did...that's why I'm calling you back. She still didn't get it, and said, "Have a good day" and hung up. Grrr... He called back on the math job but it is already filled. I know that all this is under God's control (isn't that what I preach all the time on here?), but it sure is so hard to see right now!!!

As for the realtors and selling our house... Well, we met with someone this week that *I* really like, but I haven't heard Mitch's honest answer. He says there are still some loose ends to tie up. And he is off to work again today, so will he get to that? I don't know. If he does get to it, then how much longer until our house is listed? Who can say!

I am so sick of NOT KNOWING!!!

I sat down to have a good cry after Mitch left for work (at the driving school) this morning. I actually had the thought that I wish I had never heard of this whole stupid teacher shortage. I wish that nothing were changing. I wish that Mitch were going back to work at the Christian school and that my kids were going there next year. I wish I could go on with my "perfect" life here. I wish I were not leaving my church and my friends and my moms group and my doctor. The streets that I know and the grocery store and the community I brag about to everyone who isn't fortunate enough to live here. Nevermind the fact that Mitch doesn't make enough to balance our budget and that he feels pretty much worthless. That he loathes each hour he has to spend in a drivers' ed car or any other part time job. That he is depressed, and the thought that he is not providing for his family is a major factor. It would be nice to just stay forever pretending that my life is perfect.

No it's not. *I* am not perfect. And God loves me too much to leave me that way. And He loves Mitch, and our kids too. But it hurts so much. Right now I think that the worry of "what if" is going to crush me. What if Mitch doesn't get a job? What if our house doesn't sell? What if health insurance is too expensive? What if things aren't better (financially) in a new place?

My frustration is deepened with each naughty thing the kids do. I feel so unable to teach them and correct them. They are constantly fighting and arguing and acting spitefully towards each other. I feel like such a horrible mom. I just can't seem to help them figure out how to be a family. My frustration quickly turns to anger, and I yell at them and send them to bed. Nothing seems to work. When am I going to be able to control my anger and become a better mom? I don't even enjoy having the kids around right now, to be honest, and so then something inside me just nags and nags...this horrible thought says I don't deserve to be their mommy and I will never be good enough and then mockingly says and you thought you would homeschool them next year??? No wonder they can't get along--they can never do anything right and their mommy is always ragging on them and doesn't even like them very much! Someone said to me last night, quite undeservingly, that I am supermom. No I'm not.

I opened my Bible to Psalms, hoping to find something that would soothe my troubled soul. I read this:

"Restore our fortunes, Lord,
as streams renew the desert.
Those who plant in tears
will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
but they sing as they return with the harvest."
Psalm 126:4-6 (NLT)

Maybe today I will plant in tears and harvest with shouts of joy. But I don't think yelling at the kids is planting the right kind of seeds. So I'll have to go see what I can do about that.

The only reason I was brave enough to share my struggle today is that I hope in a few months I will be sharing the joy of the harvest, and I wanted to accurately convey the weeping as I go out to plant the seed. I know that this whole moving thing is just too big for us. There is nothing we can do to make it happen. There are too many details to factor in. I have no choice but to put my hope in God. When the harvest comes, all glory will belong to Him. It is just so hard today...

3 comments:

  1. Hey... I hope things are going better! God is GOOD! You just never know what he may have in store for you :)

    Love you,
    ~kjl

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  2. Steph,

    I am sooo sorry to hear what you are having to go through in order to take the step that God has planned for you.

    I know right now it seems as if nothing good is going to happen to you and your family but it will. You are a wonderful family and you will get wonder from God. Always remember that He is testing you to see how you cope during these difficult times.

    It will come to an end and all will start to grow how it should.

    I love you so much my dear friend!!!

    Love, Steph

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  3. Hey girl. You are an AWESOME mom!! God gave you the desire to be a mom. I look to you as a Godly example. God will help you. I will be praying for you. oxxo
    Stacy

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