Sunday, August 12, 2007

Safe in Houston!

Mitch made it safely to Houston. He only stopped once for a 2-hour nap, and he made the 1,300-mile trip in just under 22 hours. He pushed himself to drive as much at night as possible because the temps are so high in the lower midwest right now--and the a/c doesn't work in our car. He is staying with his uncle for a couple days and looking fervently for another place to stay. Maybe a cheap apartment or someone who is looking for a roommate.

I have a whole wild range of emotions. I just spent 2 hours with him on the phone as he drove around "finding" all the places he has to be. My emotions ranged from disgust (city life), to fear and worry (where will he live), to deep sadness (missing him), to relief. The relief was the strangest and unexpected. But as I got off the phone, I looked around and in some weird fashion, I felt that nothing has changed (other than the big mental hole of not having Mitch here) and I can still feel secure in my own home in my own town with my own friends. Sigh. I know that that kind of relief is fleeting and not real. Pretending that things will "get back to normal" is unhealthy. So I will allow myself to return to the feeling of grief--I will embrace it and not try to stuff it away.

I feel like my heart is being torn away from me. I hate what is happening to us, but I accept it. When I think about all the big things I am overwhelmed and I start to feel crushed. The little things I can handle though. Tomorrow is laundry day--I can do that! Friday is Micah's follow-up visit with the doctor--I can do that too. Somewhere between now and then I have to get out to the grocery store to get some milk. And Tuesday night is a homeschooling meeting, if I can make it to that maybe I will really get somewhere. Oh, if my homeschooling curriculum would just get here already--I could set myself down to business!!! And of course managing my house (bills, paperwork, etc) will distract me.

And then there's prayer.

If I can just remember to turn to God in my moments of grief, frustration, worry, even disgust, and cry out to Him, He will hear me!

Psalm 40:1-5
"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be astounded.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud,
or in those who worship idols.
O Lord my God, you have done many miracles for us.
Your plans for us are too numberous to list.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.

I went to retrieve my Bible to share some verses that I read this morning when I managed to get up before all the noise makers (well, excluding Malachi), and my eyes fell on these verses on the next page. I thought they were very fitting and perfectly timed! The verses I had intended to share were from Psalm 37. Twice in that Psalm, David writes to be patient:
v. 7a "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act."
v. 34a "Don't be impatient for the Lord to act! Travel steadily along his path. He will honor you, giving you the land."

I think sometimes I struggle to understand these types of "promise" verses in the Bible. Certainly not all believers are prosperous--they don't all have abundant wealth (on the contrary!), nor do they escape persecution, nor are they promised health and long life. I think I am learning though, that it is more a matter of the soul, and to think eternally rather than the frail existence on this earth. Where in Psalm 39 v. 11b David says, "Human existence is as frail as breath."

In the storm of emotions raging inside of me, I feel the calm voice of my Savior speaking to me and quieting my heart. Even when there is no outward change of circumstances, I feel my burden relieved and my tears dried.

And I'm able to go on.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad Mitch is safe in Houston. I'll certainly be praying for all of you during this time of upheaval.

    And I share your grief, and your relief. I'm grieving because I will be losing you to distance at a time in the now not so distant future. But I am relieved that I have some time left with you while you are still close at hand. And I rejoice that we will still be *close* although many miles will separate us.

    I thank God that you are and will always be my *sister*.