Sunday, September 30, 2007

A Poem I Wrote

I had a tough day. It began with an early morning call from my baby boy, and escalated when the two older boys were fighting over who was going to make oatmeal. It culminated with me yelling and finally making a last minute decision to skip church. Which subsequently led Zeke to cry the rest of the day because we missed church. I was exhausted. I thought about dragging the kids through the rain into the van, then out of the van into church, then into each of their classrooms, then in exhaustion to settle into my own room...only to be interrupted halfway through to feed the baby...then again halfway through the service...and then wrestle with all of them while trying to enjoy a potluck and answer a dozen questions about how Mitch is doing. I was also angry. Yeah, the kids had some part to do with it. But mostly it's just a combination of everything. A person can only take so much, you know? I cried in the shower. I cried into my pillow. I cried while I nursed the baby. I cried while I begged the kids to do what they were told. I cried on the couch. I cried on the deck. I cried to more than one friend who called to see why I wasn't at church. I stared at the computer and cried. While I cried on the phone to a no-doubt frustrated Mitch, Mitch replied, "I don't know what you want from me. You don't like any of the solutions I have to offer." Humph. Since I am not a quick thinker, I just sat there silently until he decided he needed to go. I then composed the following poem. I know a poem won't magically make things all better. It may not ease his frustration or give him insight. But I hope it does. It's probably a little too pink (if you know Emerson Eggerichs, you know what that means). I tried, anyways! I don't know why I'm sharing it--it is kinda personal--but whether my transparency will help you to know how to pray or if it may be some kind of aid in your own family...for what it's worth, here it is.

What I Really Want from You

I don’t want a solution
Just a shoulder
I want you to sympathize with me
To understand
This is hard for me
I want to know you would save me if you could
I know you can’t
But would you if you could?

I want you to validate the job that I am doing
Not take it away from me
I want you to tell me
That you don’t know how I do it
That you admire me
That there is no better woman to care for your kids

I need to know
That you believe in me
Trust me
See how strong I am
Even though I am weak

I need you to pray for me
And remind me that I can trust God
I need to hear it from YOU
Not just from a book

I need to know that you miss me
That you want to hold me
Run your fingers through my hair
Or even rub my sore neck for me

I want you to make the most of this time
To find yourself again
To dream
To pursue a dream
Not just get by

Set a goal
Pursue it
Change the world
Or risk failure

But please don’t make excuses
That hurt me
And disable you

Because if you are not hopeful,
Then what do we have to look forward to?

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